Clenched

I am drenched
but then again
Last year was so dry
everything had too much space
with crisp cold air
seen from the windproof
window
third floor
hospital bed
intensive care

my feet speak angrily
to the concrete
my eyes firmly focused
staring at the rising
steam from the
towering smoke stack
towers ahead and afar
this year my jaw
tightens not wanting
the dry or to go back


the yard divided into
fear one year
anger this one
seeing frost and sand
along the beach
too cold for snow
yet too wet today
tomorrow’s breeze
carrying off grains
to the waters aside me

full hand to my face
covering my weary
vision pinching my
nose grabbing my
jaw pulling forward
on my chin
thumb and forefinger
at home on cheekbone


the anguish buried
in the teeth
grinding at the purity
of my ferocity
my disappointment
has a taste of fervor
savored when those
words become phrases
of distance; disillusionment
I have only deceived me

any pain has my ownership
the accompanying ardor
flares into worship
boiling then wilting
whispers, wishes and
weeping without tears
except alone
my whimpers allow
my wallowing of pity
then self

hugs are
not enough
neither are
small pecks
of gratitude
to replace guilt
seen in
the window of when
or ever
given neither sadness
or madness
is loudest

at dawn
the dreams dwarfed
the sorrow
of longing
a year ago, but
now at nighttime
bedtime before sleep
the sorrow of
longing dwarfs
the nightmare
of shadows

loneliness is an
interminable
shame
no wonder it is
a choice
made on pride
then I see her!
strolling where he
once walked this
block that seemed
a mile in a desert

the same insanity
afflicts their countenance
he perished in his own
skin while we neighbors
frowned about not knowing
for some time but happy
we finally said hello
to each other
but her eyes scamper
wildly at this year’s
greenery; an early
spring

you act as if
your direction
is more important
than that of this
falling deluge of rain
our ode to redundancy
is when I say I love you
it is us surmised as martyrdom
and the weight of your
descendants descent casts
a much heavier burden

we all seek more than good night or bye
the man you seek within me
is gone; my person is but a shell
of what used to be
when sleeping I want someone
besides me
last year, in the fog
of dying
I declare to you
my devotion

rain drenching diluvia
makes the drought
of bravery from
last year’s freeze
and snow
seems so close
yet distant
this year much
nearer the insanity
of serenity
too much
now too little